Using EMDR in Couples Therapy

When couples come to therapy, they are often caught in painful cycles they don’t fully understand. Arguments repeat, trust feels fragile, or emotional distance grows despite both partners wanting closeness. Traditional couples therapy focuses on communication and understanding patterns, which can be incredibly helpful. However, for many couples, these patterns are rooted in unresolved trauma and past relational wounds. This is where EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) can be a powerful addition to couples therapy

What is EMDR?

EMDR is a trauma-focused therapy originally developed to help people process distressing life experiences. It works by supporting the brain’s natural ability to heal when it becomes stuck after overwhelming events. EMDR does not require detailed retelling of traumatic experiences and often focuses on how past experiences continue to affect thoughts, emotions, body sensations, and relationships in the present.

While EMDR is commonly associated with individual therapy, it can also be adapted safely and effectively for use within couples work.

Why Trauma Matters in Relationships

Many relationship difficulties are not just about what is happening now, but about what is being triggered from the past. For example:

• A partner shutting down during conflict may be responding from an old experience of feeling criticised or unsafe

• Intense reactions to perceived rejection may link back to earlier attachment wounds

• Trust issues may stem from previous betrayals, losses, or relational trauma

When these experiences remain unprocessed, couples can feel stuck in cycles of blame, withdrawal, or escalation. EMDR helps address these deeper layers rather than only managing the surface behaviour.

How EMDR is Used in Couples Therapy

In couples therapy, EMDR is not usually about processing both partners’ trauma at the same time. Instead, it is carefully integrated into the therapeutic process with safety, consent, and pacing at the forefront.

Some ways EMDR may be used include:

1. Understanding the Cycle

Before any trauma processing, couples work focuses on understanding their negative interaction cycle. This is often informed by attachment-based approaches such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Once both partners can see the cycle as the problem (rather than each other), EMDR can help soften the emotional intensity that keeps the cycle in place.

2. Processing Individual Triggers

One partner may use EMDR to work on a specific trigger that shows up repeatedly in the relationship, such as fear of abandonment, shame, or feeling not good enough. This work usually happens with the other partner’s awareness and support, helping build empathy and understanding within the relationship.

As triggers reduce, couples often notice fewer escalations and more capacity to stay emotionally present with each other.

3. Repairing Attachment Injuries

Attachment injuries are moments in a relationship where one partner felt deeply alone, betrayed, or unsafe and the bond was damaged. EMDR can support the processing of these injuries, allowing painful memories to be integrated rather than repeatedly reactivated during conflict.

When attachment injuries heal, couples often report feeling more secure, connected, and able to trust again.

4. Strengthening Positive Experiences

EMDR is not only used to process distress. It can also be used to strengthen positive relational experiences, such as moments of connection, safety, or repair. Installing these experiences helps couples build a stronger emotional foundation and access them more easily during challenging times.

The Benefits of EMDR in Couples Work

Couples who integrate EMDR into therapy often experience:

• Reduced emotional reactivity during conflict

• Greater understanding of each other’s inner world

• Increased empathy and compassion

• Improved emotional regulation

• Deeper emotional connection and safety

Rather than repeatedly revisiting the same arguments, couples can begin to respond differently because the emotional charge underneath the conflict has shifted.

Is EMDR Right for Every Couple?

EMDR is not always the starting point in couples therapy. Some couples need time to stabilise, build communication skills, or establish emotional safety before trauma processing is appropriate. A skilled therapist will carefully assess readiness and ensure that EMDR is used in a way that supports both individuals and the relationship as a whole.

A Relational Approach to Healing

Using EMDR in couples therapy recognises that relationships are shaped by both present experiences and past wounds. By addressing trauma alongside communication and attachment needs, couples can move beyond survival patterns and towards deeper connection and understanding.

If you are feeling stuck in recurring relationship patterns and sense that past experiences may be influencing your connection, couples therapy that integrates EMDR may offer a gentle yet powerful way forward.

If you’d like to explore whether this approach could be right for you, I offer a free 15-minute consultation to talk things through.