Guess What! Narcissistic traits exist on a spectrum - and most of us sit somewhere on it

Psychological models commonly describe around nine narcissistic traits, such as a need for admiration, sensitivity to criticism, entitlement, difficulties with empathy, and an inflated or fragile self-image. Research shows that these traits can appear in many people at different times and intensities.

What matters is not the presence of these traits, but how strongly they show up, how fixed they feel over time, and whether there is capacity for reflection, empathy, and repair within relationships.

At healthier levels, narcissistic traits are flexible and responsive to feedback. At more extreme levels, they can become defensive coping strategies that interfere with intimacy, mutuality, and emotional safety.

Where do narcissistic patterns come from?

From an attachment-informed perspective, narcissistic traits are rarely about someone being “bad” or intentionally harmful. Instead, they are often linked to early developmental and relational experiences.

Research suggests that narcissistic coping styles can develop in childhood where there has been:

• A lack of clear emotional or behavioural boundaries

• Over-praise or conditional approval without limits

• Inconsistent emotional attunement or availability

• Insecure attachment experiences

In these environments, a child may not learn how to regulate emotions through connection. Instead, they may develop strategies focused on self-protection, control, or external validation. These strategies can look like narcissism in adulthood, but underneath often sit shame, insecurity, and unmet attachment needs.

Understanding this does not excuse harmful behaviour - but it does shift the focus from blame to awareness, responsibility, and choice

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What it can feel like to be in a relationship with narcissistic traits

Many people do not come to therapy trying to diagnose their partner. They come because they feel confused, exhausted, or unsure of themselves.

Common experiences include:

• Feeling unheard or emotionally dismissed

• Taking responsibility for the other person’s feelings

• Having your needs minimised or reframed as unreasonable

• Apologies that do not lead to lasting change

• A cycle of closeness followed by criticism or withdrawal

Over time, these patterns can erode self-confidence and create anxiety, self-doubt, or emotional shutdown. Often, it is the accumulation of small moments, rather than one dramatic incident, that causes the most harm.

Do these patterns always mean you should leave?

This is one of the most important and complex question. Not every relationship involving narcissistic traits has to end. Where these patterns are rooted in defensive coping rather than entitlement, and where there is genuine willingness to reflect, take responsibility, and tolerate discomfort, change is possible. Individual or couples therapy can help unpack these dynamics and support healthier ways of relating.

However, where there is ongoing emotional harm, persistent blame or denial, little curiosity about impact, or an inability to engage in repair, remaining in the relationship can come at a significant psychological cost.

The most important question is not “Are they a narcissist?” but:

“Is this relationship emotionally safe, reciprocal, and capable of repair?”

Awareness is the first step - and change is possible

From a therapeutic perspective, narcissistic traits are best understood as coping mechanisms shaped by early attachment experiences, not fixed identities. With awareness, reflection, and support, many people are able to soften these patterns and relate more securely.

Recognising these dynamics can also help partners reconnect with their own needs, boundaries, and sense of self - whether that leads to change within the relationship or clarity about stepping away. You do not need a diagnosis to trust your experience.

Why some therapies work especially well with these patterns

When narcissistic traits or relational patterns are rooted in early attachment experiences, talking alone is often not enough. These patterns are usually implicit, embodied, and formed long before we had language for them. This is where therapies such as Schema Therapy and attachment-focused EMDR can be a particularly effective combination.

Schema Therapy works directly with the maladaptive schemas and coping modes that develop in childhood – such as shame, entitlement, emotional deprivation, or overcompensation. It helps people recognise the parts of them that learned to survive in certain ways, while gradually building healthier emotional regulation, boundaries, and self-awareness.

Attachment-focused EMDR supports this process by working with the early relational memories and nervous system responses that sit beneath these patterns. Rather than reinforcing blame or pathology, EMDR helps the brain and body update outdated survival responses, allowing for greater flexibility, empathy, and emotional safety in relationships.

Together, these approaches offer a powerful and compassionate way of working — not to label or shame, but to understand, soften, and change patterns that were learned early, and to support more secure, reciprocal ways of relating. For some people, this work supports meaningful change within relationships. For others, it brings clarity, self-trust, and the confidence to make different choices. Both outcomes are valid.